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NOW HOLD ON JUST ONE DOGGONE MINUTE! Sam Howell with 8.2 fantasy points?! EIGHT POINT TWO?! I've seen high school quarterbacks put up better numbers in their SLEEP!

And Brian Robinson Jr.? FOUR POINT ONE FANTASY POINTS?! Sir, with all due respect, that is absolutely BLASPHEMOUS! You cannot - and I mean CANNOT - expect to win anything in fantasy football with that kind of PITIFUL performance!

Meanwhile, Dak Prescott went OFF for 29.8 points, and CeeDee Lamb? TWENTY-FOUR POINT SEVEN! That's how you HANDLE your business! The Commanders should be EMBARRASSED! ABSOLUTELY EMBARRASSED!

Well, well, well... look who decided to show up! Joe Burrow with a whopping 11.8 fantasy points. Dude, I've seen more magic from a kid's birthday party magician! 🎩

Meanwhile, Lamar Jackson said "hold my Ravens jersey" and proceeded to drop 31.7 points like it was nothing. Ja'Marr Chase? More like Ja'Marr... Chase those missing fantasy points, buddy!

If you started the Bengals thinking this was your week, congratulations - you played yourself! Better luck next time, chief. The Ravens just served you a reality sandwich with extra humble sauce! 😂

Hark! What tragedy befell the Cardinals on this most wretched of days? Kyler Murray, once proud monarch of the gridiron, did stumble with but 12.1 fantasy points - a performance most foul and unbecoming!

But lo! From the golden shores of San Francisco rose Brock Purdy, like Puck himself weaving magic through the air! 28.9 points did he bestow upon his faithful subjects, whilst Christian McCaffrey danced through defenses like Ariel through a summer's dream - 31.4 points of pure poetry!

Alas, poor James Conner! With his meager 5.7 points, he exits stage left, pursued by failure most complete. 'Tis a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying... absolutely nothing!

Now, let me break it down real smooth-like, see... Russell Wilson came through with 14.2 points, looking like he was moving through molasses on a cold day. That's not how you do it in the big leagues, young blood.

But check it - Jared Goff was floating like smoke through that Denver defense, dropping 33.7 points with the ease of a Sunday morning. And Amon-Ra St. Brown? That cat was catching passes like he had magnets in his gloves - 28.4 points, beautiful to watch.

If you started any Broncos, nephew, you just learned a valuable lesson about life - sometimes you get the elevator, sometimes you get the shaft. Detroit was serving up that premium grade A beatdown, and Russell Wilson was on the receiving end. That's how it goes in this game, baby.

Well, well, well... looks like them Indianapolis Colts got their hides tanned like leather in the Texas sun! Anthony Richardson with 9.7 fantasy points? Son, I've seen more points scored at a church bake sale!

Meanwhile, down here in Houston, C.J. Stroud was cookin' like mama's barbecue on the Fourth of July! Twenty-six point four fantasy points, and that boy Nico Collins? Twenty-two point eight! Hotter than a two-dollar pistol!

Y'all Colts fans might as well pack it up and head on back to Indiana where y'all belong! Everything's bigger in Texas, including the beatdowns we hand out to sorry-ass teams like Indianapolis! YEEHAW!

BAH GAWD! THAT'S JOSH ALLEN'S MUSIC! Aaron Rodgers came into Buffalo thinking he was the headliner, but Josh Allen just delivered a STONE COLD STUNNER with 32.6 fantasy points!

Rodgers with 14.2 points? That's not championship material, that's JOBBER status! Meanwhile, Stefon Diggs was putting on a CLINIC with 27.4 points - SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH!

The Jets thought they could step into the ring with the big boys, but they just got hit with the PEOPLE'S ELBOW! Josh Allen is the UNDISPUTED HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION of Week 1! WHAT A SLOBBERKNOCKER!

Yooooo what's good bros! So like, Caleb Williams totally thought he was gonna be the main character with 13.4 fantasy points but my man was STRUGGLING like trying to get into Pike without knowing anyone! 😂

But check it - Jordan Love was ABSOLUTELY SENDING IT with 29.8 points! Dude was playing like he just crushed a Red Bull and aced his ECON final! And Jayden Reed with 26.7? That's CLUTCH bro, like hitting the game-winning beer pong shot!

Bears fans probably need to hit up therapy after this one. Sorry not sorry bros, but Green Bay just rushed your whole organization! Time to crack open some Natty Lights and think about next season! 🍺

Brothers and sisters, gather 'round as I tell you about a tale of redemption and... well, quite frankly, some divine intervention! Bryce Young, bless his heart, delivered 7.3 fantasy points - clearly the Lord works in mysterious ways!

But Derek Carr? HALLELUJAH! That man was blessed with 24.8 points, moving through that Panthers defense like Moses through the Red Sea! And Chris Olave with 21.6 points - that young man was TOUCHED BY THE SPIRIT!

The Panthers came seeking victory, but they found only humility. Sometimes we must walk through the valley of low fantasy scores to appreciate the mountaintop! Can I get an AMEN for the Saints' divine performance?

Cher, let me tell ya 'bout dis here game dat was uglier than a nutria in church clothes! Tua wit' his 15.2 fantasy points, dat boy looked like he been wanderin' da bayou without his paddle!

But Patrick Mahomes? Mais, dat man was smoother than butter on biscuits! Twenty-eight point four fantasy points, slicin' through dat Dolphins defense like a pirogue through still water! Travis Kelce was catchin' passes like he was catchin' crawfish in da spring!

Dem Dolphins came down to da swamp thinking they gonna win, but they left wit' nothin' but gator bites and hurt feelings! Dat's what happens when ya mess wit' da King of da Bayou, cher!

LISTEN UP MAGGOTS! Daniel Jones with 6.9 fantasy points?! THAT'S NOT PERFORMANCE, THAT'S A DISGRACE TO THE UNIFORM! I've seen better quarterbacking from a blindfolded recruit throwing grenades!

Meanwhile, Jalen Hurts was executing like a well-oiled military machine! 34.7 fantasy points! THAT'S HOW YOU GET THE JOB DONE! A.J. Brown with 31.2 points was running routes tighter than a Marine's bunk!

If you started ANY Giants this week, drop and give me twenty! You clearly need to reassess your tactical decisions! The Eagles came in with a battle plan and EXECUTED TO PERFECTION! DISMISSED!

Ay yo, what da hell was Deshaun Watson thinkin'? Nine point eight fantasy points? Bro, I seen better quarterbacking at da local pickup game in Prospect Park! This man really thought he was gonna show up against Pittsburgh!

Meanwhile, Russell Wilson was cookin' like my nonna's Sunday gravy! Twenty-five point four fantasy points! And George Pickens? Fuggeddaboutit! Twenty-two point seven! These Steelers was HUNGRY like they ain't eaten in weeks!

If ya started any Browns dis week, ya might as well throw ya fantasy app in da Gowanus Canal, 'cause ya season is DONE, son! Pittsburgh showed no mercy - dat's dat old school football right there!

Duuuude, that game was gnarly! Aidan O'Connell with 11.3 fantasy points? That's like totally wiping out on the easiest wave, bro. Not cool, man, not cool at all.

But Justin Herbert? Bro was riding the perfect wave with 27.8 fantasy points! Smooth as silk, flowing like the ocean current. And Keenan Allen with 24.5 points? That dude was carving up that Raiders defense like he was shredding Malibu breaks!

Raiders fans probably need to chill on the beach for a while and find their zen, because that was a total wipeout. Sometimes you catch the wave, sometimes the wave catches you. Today, the Chargers were the tsunami, man! 🌊

ARRRRR! Kirk Cousins and his 11.8 fantasy points can walk the plank! That scurvy dog couldn't hit the broad side of a galleon if it was anchored right in front of his face!

But Baker Mayfield? Now THAT be a true buccaneer! Twenty-seven point nine fantasy points, sailing smooth as silk across Tampa Bay! And Mike Evans with 24.6 points - that lad knows how to plunder the end zone like a proper pirate!

The Falcons thought they could sail into our waters and steal our treasure, but they left with nothing but barnacles on their hull! YARRRRR! The Buccaneers be the true masters of these seas!

Not Geno Smith with 12.8 fantasy points serving us absolutely NOTHING 💀 Like bestie, this ain't it. That performance was giving unemployed energy, no cap!

But Matthew Stafford really said "watch this" and dropped 26.4 points like it was CASUAL! And Cooper Kupp? 23.7 points?! That's actually iconic behavior bestie! He really understood the assignment! 🔥

Seahawks fans are probably crying into their oat milk lattes rn. This game was lowkey embarrassing fr fr. The Rams said "we're not the same" and absolutely PROVED it! Seattle really thought they could serve looks but got served instead! 💅✨